Seven Hours in Bed with Christian Grey

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I vowed never, ever to read this book, being turned off by a similarly too-much-hyped one that, only because of my sister's raving reviews over it, made me read it and spent the next two weeks stuck on page 5 of the first book in its trilogy. Twilight left such a lingering bad taste in my literary mouth that I haven't read any fiction for the past 5 years. Until last night.


Was chatting with my friend Nilds the other day and mentioned that she was selling e-books. Though I said that I was getting my copies from Amazon, I agreed to receive her list via e-mail but to make sure I could access .mobi files, Nilds sends me instead 2 free Kindle books. So I download the attachments and then I blink at one of the titles: "Fifty Shades of Grey". Whoa.

Okay, so I stare at it, lightly tapping the keyboard while telling myself it's just a book. Yeah, that's what you said about cigarettes, remember? You just quit and are now living on the mantra that no seemingly harmless little thing could ever make you hooked again. This book is hazardous to rehabilitated addicts. Geez, it's just a book so lighten up! Fighting the urge to light a ciggy instead, I hit enter. Here goes. It's 9:43 p.m.

Oh my.

Seven hours later, I am fighting my heavy eyelids from shutting down on me. An hour ago I had given up on sleeping, convincing myself that it's only an hour more before my alarm goes off and make breakfast for Marti so what the heck. I go on reading, alternating each eye to half-sleeping and half-reading. I shouldn't have taken  E.L James' site warning with a grain of salt: "the Fifty Shades Trilogy is a tale that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever".

Okay, two things that get me hooked on Fifty Shades and it's not the kinky sex. Well, not just that. Okay, so it's three things but I'll only get into details about the other two that affected me just as much: 

1. Christian Grey
Before anyone says "duh!", I'd like to share that what made me swoon over Mr. Grey is not the same reason as the other 65 million readers have but the memory of my own PG-13 Christian Grey who was the first guy to make me feel that I was a woman, and not just a girl anymore, when I was 14. Let me clarify first that I didn't literally become a woman ten years later when I had my initiation and had Marti soon after that so please calm down and pick up your jaw. 

The first four chapters of the book reawakened memories of long-ago about that tall and ruggedly handsome boy of good stock and impeccable manners. I always felt gauche around him. And mute, because my heart and tongue somehow switch places whenever I was with him and all I could manage is a quiet smile and an occasional nod. Oh, but the butterflies! Those soft and tingly little wings fluttering between my tummy and chest and I have a distinct feeling that they were fanning the heat on my cheeks and the steam out of my ears. Reading about Christian always noticing Ana's crimson color whenever he was around her, I wonder if my PG-13 Christian ever noticed at all. First love? Maybe. No one has made me feel that way since. Ever. Hmmmm...and it's that which still makes me feel giddy inside after all these years. 

A few chapters down and it's not PG-13 anymore :) My imagination runs wild and I see Christian Bale with Ian Somerhalder's eyes as I picture Christian Grey. And I am pathetically but deliciously reminded of that part of me that I have forsaken for so long--- too long: that I AM A WOMAN. Not just a mother, a sister, a friend, a confidant but A WOMAN and that should be above all those other things! Oh Christian Grey, what have you done to me? 

2. Anastasia Steele
Anastasia reminded me of myself when I was 14 with PG-13 Christian. Clumsy, awkward, lanky, reserved, quiet, plain. A far cry from that other being from my inner depths: graceful, vivacious, interesting, simmering, smoldering. It felt like the clumsy, awkward me was just a thin layer of skin and the passionate me was just bursting at the seams, wanting to break out! 

When Ana sleeps in Christian's jacket, I recall that one night when I was in a group (ugh, group) date with my PG-13 Christian up in Tagaytay. And with that other me trying to make itself known, I brave the cold weather wearing my new, favorite-color-tomato-red knitted halter top, proud of myself I had the courage to show the only thing I knew that was vaguely sexy in my entire personage: my shoulders. An hour later and I am freezing my butt off, which was on the bamboo table, opting to sit there when the long pew became too crowded for our group. In my 16-year old head that's another courageous feat after the shoulder-bearing one! 

Everyone else was chatting, my sister hanging on to every word to her major crush who was PG-13's brother and there was quiet little ol' me, shuddering, rubbing my arms. As I look to my left, I see him looking up at me, smiling. "Cold?" he asked. I wanted to be brave again and lie that I wasn't but it was the first time we conversed without the group and the thought that he was talking to and smiling at me (and only me!) was my undoing. "A little," I managed sheepishly. I watch PG-13 Christian stand up and hurry to his car. A few moments later, he offers me his DLSU varsity jacket and I try my damnedest not to look at him as I shrug into the warm garment, fearing he would see me as red as my top was. Inside the jacket I could smell his lingering scent and suddenly it wasn't the jacket that was warming me up anymore. 

Alas, this story doesn't have a happy ending because that night he went for the Kat Kavanagh of the group who, 2 years down, would break his heart in the worst possible way---and mine too. That heartbreak changed him, hardened him and I heard that he's quite a successful businessman but still not married. But to me he still and would always be my PG-13 Christian, my broken but beautiful Christian Grey. 

It's almost 3:00 p.m. now and I am fascinated at the myriad of feelings and memories Fifty Shades of Grey has conjured up in me. I look at myself at the full-length mirror and see the woman I've become and I imagine what my PG-13 Christian would say if ever we saw each other again after so many years. And for the first time in 3 years, I'm taking out my workout gear. Who knows, after all this time, our story has yet to begin...