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On the edge of a cliff.
Yup, that's how I felt this morning. At the edge, at a loss, not knowing where else to go. Actually, that's how I've been feeling for the last two months ever since I gave up my 7-year desk job and decided to take control of my life instead of depending my life on other people.
But there are days when I really reach a point when I question my decision back then, days like these when some emergencies happen and my bank account is almost depleted. And yet I could never shake off
the certainty that this is where I am supposed to be no matter how bleak it may seem.
the certainty that this is where I am supposed to be no matter how bleak it may seem.
Began to whisper to God again my desperate prayer, asking Him what else He wanted me to do because I feel like I've already been bled dry. Praying? Check. Serving? Check. Tithing? Check. Living simply? Check. Pursuing my passions? Check. So what else is there?
Then I paused for awhile; regretted that I began to have doubting thoughts even after working so hard to strengthen my faith. I have been so weak lately, weak in faith and physically that I cry during my early morning Scripture reading. I remember one of the talks at the Makati Feast where Bro. Randy said we have to want and need God like how we need oxygen to survive. I cried to God this morning, praying that I'm already hanging on to Him so desperately as if my life would end if my hold weakens and I fall. I have nowhere else to go and it seemed the only one I'm hanging on to remained silent.
Coming home from the laboratory, praying for good news for Marti's blood test, I was blown away by a miraculous story on my Facebook wall: my co-Feasters Toh and Anne Relova are having a baby after 11 years of waiting! And then another miracle: my high school friend Katen who had been fighting cancer for so many years is finally in remission! Tears were running down my face as I congratulated all of them, buoyed up by the faithfulness of God in their lives and also ashamed by the pettiness of my trials compared to theirs. It was there I realized that God wasn't being silent to me at all; He was actually speaking to me through the miracles He had done in my friends' lives!
And yet, I couldn't help but still feel down, still waiting for that same miracle to happen in my life. As I went off to the evening mass, my heart was still aching, drowning in worry and despair. And still God persisted. During the Homily, God spoke again through the Priest sending this message:
And as if I still didn't get the message, upon checking Marti's lab test online, I saw that his platelet count was normal! Though his hematocrit was a little high, my sister Cha explained that he just needs to be rehydrated and take zinc supplements.
And yet there was more!
Questioning my decision to work from home, the Lord answered me with 2 more clients from oDesk! The first one, I thought was just a one-time project since Jack hired me on a fixed-rate contract of only $10.00. Even if contractors are warned to stay clear of fixed-rate jobs since there was no guarantee of payment, I still took it thinking that the task was just data entry. After I submitted my work, Jack wrote to me right away and asked if I was interested in a long-term contract. Wow!
After accepting Jack's offer, another e-mail popped in my inbox: it was Michelle, my very first oDesk client. Michelle had been a very kind and generous client, giving me a high rate and even bonuses from time to time but then her web designer duped her so she had to shut down all of her social sites which I maintained for her and promised that she'll contact me when she resumes her business. Just as I was praying to the Lord to give me more clients, Michelle writes me and tells me that she's hiring me again!
So at 4:55 a.m., I am still awake, relieved that Marti's temperature is stable, finished all my oDesk tasks, launched our very first Facebook contest which I aptly called a Gratitude Raffle and trying my very best to finish this blog post because I want to share this glorious day to as many people as possible. Because I want to be a testament to those who are in despair like I was that God is always, always by our side, no matter what we are going through. That He knows our tears and our pains and that He is indeed working on wiping our eyes and mending our hearts, we just have to hold on to our faith the same way He is holding us in His capable Hands.
And just as I was about to shut down this laptop with the sun about to rise in a few minutes, the Lord sent me another beautiful message through a photo I believe He wants me to replace the previous one at the start of this post and start my new day with:
And yet, I couldn't help but still feel down, still waiting for that same miracle to happen in my life. As I went off to the evening mass, my heart was still aching, drowning in worry and despair. And still God persisted. During the Homily, God spoke again through the Priest sending this message:
"Be strong, fear not for here I am and I am here to save you."
And as if I still didn't get the message, upon checking Marti's lab test online, I saw that his platelet count was normal! Though his hematocrit was a little high, my sister Cha explained that he just needs to be rehydrated and take zinc supplements.
And yet there was more!
Questioning my decision to work from home, the Lord answered me with 2 more clients from oDesk! The first one, I thought was just a one-time project since Jack hired me on a fixed-rate contract of only $10.00. Even if contractors are warned to stay clear of fixed-rate jobs since there was no guarantee of payment, I still took it thinking that the task was just data entry. After I submitted my work, Jack wrote to me right away and asked if I was interested in a long-term contract. Wow!
After accepting Jack's offer, another e-mail popped in my inbox: it was Michelle, my very first oDesk client. Michelle had been a very kind and generous client, giving me a high rate and even bonuses from time to time but then her web designer duped her so she had to shut down all of her social sites which I maintained for her and promised that she'll contact me when she resumes her business. Just as I was praying to the Lord to give me more clients, Michelle writes me and tells me that she's hiring me again!
So at 4:55 a.m., I am still awake, relieved that Marti's temperature is stable, finished all my oDesk tasks, launched our very first Facebook contest which I aptly called a Gratitude Raffle and trying my very best to finish this blog post because I want to share this glorious day to as many people as possible. Because I want to be a testament to those who are in despair like I was that God is always, always by our side, no matter what we are going through. That He knows our tears and our pains and that He is indeed working on wiping our eyes and mending our hearts, we just have to hold on to our faith the same way He is holding us in His capable Hands.
And just as I was about to shut down this laptop with the sun about to rise in a few minutes, the Lord sent me another beautiful message through a photo I believe He wants me to replace the previous one at the start of this post and start my new day with:
nice article. sometimes God will give you the gift of greater faith wrapped in a package that looks like your greatest fear. hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks Bro :)
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha. Very nice experiences.
ReplyDeleteI bet you're stronger than ever!
Big fan Mill!
Ha ha ha. Very nice experiences.
ReplyDeleteI bet you're stronger than ever!
Big fan Mill!