God's Grace Overcame My Crisis of Faith

http://www.flickr.com/photos/stevenfernandez

I never thought it would happen to me, but it did. I went through a crisis of faith for the past two weeks which left me physically weak and spiritually broken.

Just a few months ago, I had been courageous and optimistic about the turn of events in my life: quitting my 7-year desk job and ridding myself of unnecessary stress, becoming completely financially independent by going full-time on oDesk to

have more time pursuing my creative passions and moving to a new place with my siblings and nephew to start anew together.

The first few weeks seemed promising. I got several gigs from oDesk and two new long-term clients. Became a member of a handicrafts group who invited me to participate in holiday bazaars with my crochet accessories. Started another accessories business with one of my bestfriends Arlene to sell during the holidays. Since I had more time to write, my blogs began getting higher traffic and my crochet blog finally landed on the first page of Google search.  Also got to serve more by being invited to write for the Feast Salcedo weekly bulletin, aside from continuing to facilitate our weekly MasiPag meetings. Even my relationship with my Dad became a lot better with plans of helping him out build a virtual office for his electrical contracting business when he retires from his Makati City Hall job on January 2013. 

But then my savings began to dip and my oDesk income could hardly cover our weekly expenses, let alone our monthly bills. Still, I held on, trusting that this is the path the Lord has taken me and soon the blessings would come pouring in. But deep inside I could feel something crumbling, as if a rope had unraveled and only a single string was holding me together. And one morning the last string just snapped.

Doubtful questions just started pouring in:

You've become a faithful servant to the Lord but where are your rewards?

 You keep on praying but has He answered any of your prayers lately? 

You keep on serving but has that helped you out financially?

There's no sense in working on your faith when it does not even bring food to the table! 

 Go back to your old ways and addictions because all your efforts in changing your life has amounted to nothing and now you can't even trust the only one you're depending on: God!

I cried. Cried and cried but couldn't even pray because I felt ashamed of my hypocrisy: praising the Lord everyday and telling people of His goodness in my life amid my trials and yet deep inside I was doubting if He was actually helping me. 

For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to do. Couldn't tell my sister because I knew she'd be more anxious than I am and she had her own problems to deal with. Couldn't approach my CG mates because they saw me as someone strong and here I am breaking down. Same with my close friends. I was so confused but one thing I was sure of was I was quitting on my commitment to spiritual maturity: giving up on tithing, serving, mentoring, and attending the Makati Feast because I believed those hopeless words running through my head.


Didn't attend the Feast that week. Missed our CG meeting and excused myself from writing in the bulletin. And the only decent thing left to do was to write to my mentor in the Feast, Tita Eva Relova so I wrote to her with all honesty and said that I was removing myself from the Feast because I was going through a crisis of faith and believed that all the works I've done was useless. 

As soon as I saw my inbox light up with Tita Eva's e-mail, I began to cry all over again. I haven't even read her reply yet but I was just glad I was able to pour out my nearly-blasphemous thoughts and feelings to someone and it was a lot more comforting that it was to Tita Eva. There was no tinge of judgment or chastising from Tita Eva's e-mail, only genuine care and support. After calming down, I replied to her that I'll be at the Feast that Thursday and as I was typing and weeping, I saw a vision of Christ sitting beside me and crying beside me as if saying that He was always there especially in my darkest moments. But even that I doubted to be real.


How I missed the Feast on Thursdays!  Friends and CG mates I haven't seen in a long time approached and hugged me and it felt so, so good. I get most of my strength from them and maybe changing our weekly schedule was one of the reasons I've been feeling weak. I shouldn't have stayed away from one of the few places where Marti and I truly belonged. 


I came looking for Tita Eva and embraced her so tightly, it felt like hugging Mommy. And as she held me hand, giving me words of comfort, she told me that she hoped I didn't mind that she opened up about my worries to Brother Randy and that he would like to pray for me after the Feast. Oh, how I didn't mind at all! I could certainly use all the help.


At first, I felt a little ashamed facing Randy, knowing that he read my doubtful words. But when he said that what I was feeling was normal and that even he go through such emotions, I felt so much relief! He shared that he would also approach Brother Bo Sanchez when he was in similar situations and his support plus being in the Light of Jesus Community has helped him a lot in overcoming  these situations. He also shared the one prayer which has helped him withstand overwhelming trials: "For Your Honor, Lord". And that's when I realized that my trials had become so burdensome because I had centered everything on MY suffering. I've forgotten to "fix my gaze upon the Lord" so my arrogance and self-centeredness has gotten the best of me.


The following day, I went to confession at the National Shrine of the Sacred Heart, another place where I have began working on my spiritual maturity but haven't visited for months now after we moved to a new place. It seemed perfect timing that the confessor was Father Vic Apacible, our Parish Priest who was the one who encouraged me in one of my confessions to love God by knowing Him fully thus I found the Makati Feast. This time Father Vic told me that when we do not obey God's will, it is our ego whom we begin to follow, leading us to sin. He advised that what's also important---sometimes even more---aside from serving, praying and reading Scriptures is listening to God. Amid all my trials, I have forgotten to quiet down and just listen. Father Vic asked me to stay for the mass as he thought the Gospel and his Homily for that day would be enlightening for me so I did but what happened after the mass was even more edifying.

There was a talk on Spiritual Warfare scheduled after the mass and it was to be given by Father Jose Francisco Syquia, JCS, head of the Office of Exorcism of the Archdiocese of Manila. It was through Father Syquia's talk I realized more that I wasn't just struggling because I had began listening to my ego but more so because the unseen enemy has used my despair to weaken my faith.  The enemy is the master of lies and would oftentimes conceal his presence and use our weaknesses to lead us away from the light. The best lesson I learned there? Know your enemy then know your authority over them which Christ has given us. 

If you want to know more about Father Syquia's talk, click here for the notes and photos I took.

I believe that during those weeks of crisis, my ego and then the Devil convinced me that God was invisible in my life but my path back to the Feast and being restored to my spiritual journey was proof of God's Grace always saving, always merciful and eternally loving. I will remember that the journey becomes bearable, even enjoyable, with company and never by being alone. I will remember to continue seeking Him in everything that I do and feel because after all, all these is for His Greater Glory!