Running on Empty

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A few weeks back, I got a PM via Facebook from a school friend whom I haven't seen since we graduated years ago (won't say here what year to protect her identity. And my age...LOL). She asked how I was coping with the loneliness that comes from being a single mom, since she was one herself.


The first thing that came into my mind was "I was?" Well, of course she only knew of the Milli who posted usually positive, grateful and inspirational messages on my wall but not the person who lately cries herself to sleep, staring at the empty space on the other half of my bed and wondering about the basketball team that should have been my children--- a dream I've had since I was a little girl growing up with only one sibling. Of course, the trooper that I was, I shared with her how through prayer, renewal of Faith and having a support group helps a lot. I felt like a hack. 



Little did I know that the harmless exchange with an old friend would be a precedent to a series of events that would make me confront this worst of emotions that was hounding me for years. I thought grief was the worst, mourning for my Mom everyday for 5 years. No, I was wrong because with grieving, one is devastated by the loss of a loved one. But with loneliness, there's no one to share the love with or worse still, there's no one to love you back. That's tough for someone who's sentimental, passionate, nostalgic, lyrical and a hopelessly pathetic romantic. 


The following week, Ai-Ai delas Alas came out to reveal that her month-old marriage was over. I never watch local TV but I don't know why searching for a music video on Youtube, I stumbled upon her tearful interview with Boy Abunda. Of course, like everybody else, I asked why marry the guy at all when he had been abusing you right from the start? But when Ai-Ai bared her soul, I began to cry with her. She just wanted to be happy because she had everything: money, fame, raised good children despite being a solo parent and the lover/friend/husband was the only thing missing so she deluded herself into thinking that she could turn her current relationship into the fairy tale marriage she had always prayed for. It was sincerely an eye-opener because just a few days ago feeling lonely again, I prayed to the Lord to make me fall desperately, madly, insanely with someone and I would serve him, hand and foot til my last breath. Okay, so this was the Lord's answer to my juvenile ramblings. 


Naturally, He knew me too well that it wouldn't be enough of a wake up call so He gave me another blow. Pining for my current obsession in the form of Tom Hiddleston, I decided to see one of his movies where based on my research he played the role of a passionate lover to Rachel Weisz' character. Of course there's also that steamy love scene where he was almost naked. Turned out the movie was about a woman so consumed by her love for a man who had mediocre feelings for her that in the end she decided to kill herself--- consumed by fire she set herself to mirror the torment she was going through--- not knowing how to go on after her lover abandons her. And Tom's character was an absolute a**hole so double whammy, thinking I'd be swooning after seeing him in a different kind of movie...okay, in a movie where he was almost naked. God: 2, Milli: 0.


Then there's the free e-book I got that came with my Dad's gift of a Kindle Fire HD: "The 5 Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. In his best-seller, Dr. Chapman talks about the emotional love tanks of couples which when not constantly filled up by a spouse through the 5 love languages, could eventually destroy their marriage. What made me realize there was I had been running on an empty love tank for almost a decade and have no idea how I had managed to do so for so long. Even cars conk out when they run out of gas but not me! Maybe my fuel was coming from the different channels in my life which God has so graciously supplied all this time: Marti, family, friends, MaSiPaG, The Makati Feast, even my new bosses from oDesk. But then my snarky self had a thought: Not to sound ungrateful, Lord, but no matter how overflowing with abundant love and blessings the other areas in my life are, they could never fill up my empty love tank. You know, it's like pumping up LPG into a Toyota RAV4. 


God's answer? "Milli, I am not an idiot," so He sent me the clearest and utterly crystal of messages to finally shut me up. Honestly, I had intended to finish this post without an inspirational message or hopeful ending characteristic of my blog posts. A protest of some sorts but, as I know realized, I was never the author of this post or any of the posts here for that matter. 

Two days ago, after another dolorous prayer time of haranguing questions to the Lord on when will He end my loneliness, I took out the Bible to reflect on the daily readings. Lo and behold, God's answer to all my rants came from the First Reading: The love story of Tobias and Sarah, daughter of Raguel.

Here is a young woman, contemplating death over despair for losing all of her seven husbands on each of their wedding night, killed by a demon who has fallen in love with her. But God had a different plan for her, for turning her sorrow into joy. Tobias, who was her next of kin and by tradition had the right to claim her as his wife is helped by Raphael to defeat the demon and become Sarah's true husband. At first, Tobias feared for his life knowing of Sarah's curse but Raphael, the matchmaker here, encourages him and Tobias "fell so deeply in love with her that he could no longer call his heart his own. (Tobit 6: 18)". He hasn't even laid eyes on her yet!


Tobias and Sarah's prayer ultimately hits the mark and I felt the need to share this beautiful petition to God for a lasting marriage:

On the evening of their marriage, Tobias said to Sarah, "You and I must pray and petition our Lord to win His grace and protection." They began praying for protection, and this was how he began: "You are blessed O God of our fathers; blessed, too, is Your name forever and ever. Let the heavens bless You and all things You have made forevermore. It was You who created Adam, You who created Eve his wife to be his help and support; and from these two the human race was born. It was You who said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; let us make him a helpmate like himself." And so I do not take my sister for any lustful motive; I do it in singleness of heart. Be kind enough to have pity on her and on me and bring us to old age together." And together they said, "Amen, Amen."

~Tobit 8: 4-8 

Not for "lustful motive; I do it in singleness of heart." Wow, now that is a promise worth waiting for. 

Okay, Lord, I get it. I'm the idiot for insufficiently trusting You when all You've done in my life was to mold me, bless me in all the other areas in my life in preparation for the grand finale. I know, You always save the best for last! Thank You for Your patience towards me and most of all for Your Love!


I admit, it is a daily struggle dealing with loneliness, yearning for the love and warmth of my better half whom I don't even know if I've already met or someone I'm about to meet. But knowing that God knows is already half the battle.