Christmas Won't Be The Same

Saw Asti's nanny putting up the Christmas Tree at the living room yesterday. A few moments later, I found myself just blankly staring at the tree and something started to ache inside me. I just realized that I haven't been excited about Christmas for a long time... actually, ever since my Mom passed away. 


It's just that Mom always made the holidays heartwarming. Even Holy Week was something to look forward to back when we were at Don Pedro. It's because she always made a feast that not only filled the tummy but more the heart. She was a happiness magnet alright. I saw how she would just sit in an empty place like at the garage or by the garden and a few minutes later, people would start gathering and before you know it, food and laughter will be surrounding her. 

We were always the partner-in-crime when it comes to setting up the house for occasions and especially for Christmas. We would shop as early as August and soon as the 'Ber' months start, Don Pedro would be decked in Yuletide splendor and in the color motif of our choosing. 

That's my 1996 Christmas tree and the hanging decors on the right were all handmade by me. In the photo is (from l-r) my Uncle Allan, my grandmother Mommyla, my sister Cha and godmother Ninang Joy

For almost a decade, Christmas had become exhausting for me...obligatory... looking forward to get over it rather than looking forward to it. A holiday where I have to spend money on others, hoping they'll see that I did remember them, hoping I'll get a semblance of the joy my Mom shared to everyone especially during this time of the year. Of course, as a Christian, the true meaning of Christmas remains in my heart but I'm not talking about that here. It's the tangible love that my Mom has imparted to all of us who was lucky enough to have her in our lives, even for just a brief moment. I still miss you Mommy... and I will love you always.

I usually end my posts on a positive note but I really don't know how to do that when I still ache for my Mom everyday. But I did realize something hopeful when I asked Angelo if he was excited for Christmas. We had similar sentiments, with him missing his children and not having them over for Christmas for the very first time. But when he said that the holidays won't be completely sad because we had each other, he made me light up inside. 

Yeah, maybe Christmas won't be the same as when my Mom was still with us. But I believe that soon we would be making new holiday memories just as warm and meaningful, this time with our own family.