It's probably the stress taking it's toll on me again. Stress from overwhelming bills, expenses, pressure from everywhere topped off with stress from my job. Don't get me wrong but I really, really love my job especially my boss and his wife who are like my parents otherwise I wouldn't have lasted for 7 years there. But the imminent management transition has gotten me nervous about my financial security or more importantly, my family's (that's me and Marti) future.
It's just that I promised myself that this would be my last job, that I would just wait til my bosses retire then I would be my own boss, going full-time with my Virtual Assistant job, expanding my handmade accessories business and finally finish the book I've been working on. Being a voracious reader of financial and business books lately had drastically changed my goals and motivations in life. I don't want to look forward to retirement and a measly monthly pension. That way of life has done nothing good to the elders in our family and I swore that I will not have the same situation when I reach their age. I know deep within my soul that I was not meant to be a mere employee but someone who can reach her maximum potential. As T. Harv Eker says in his book, "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind":
By the way, if you don't have the time to do things you want or need to do, then you're probably a modern slave.
But being a parent, especially a solo mom, it would seem a selfish act to choose to pursue one's passion when you're the only one who brings home the bacon. Problem is whenever I try to stopple the creative juices, the suppression manifests physically. So here come the occasional migraine and a bout of depression and lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I began asking God again of the question I always ask Him in my weak moments: what else would You have me do? Yeah, despite my renewed faith, I still have flashes of self-doubt and despair.
I started to cry. I cried because I felt the hardships and the despair Jenna Sue went through. And I cried because I realized that although I have been brave as a daughter and as a mother, I have never been brave for myself. I had to tough it out when my Mom got sick because I was the only one who could take care of her since my Dad had to work and my sister was still in medical school. Against all odds, I chose to be a solo parent knowing that I would be alone in raising my child despite the love and support of my family. I've always wanted to be a fashion designer--- it was my dream since I was 8---yet I didn't pursue it thinking that it wasn't a college degree so I took the next best thing which was interior design but I was never happy and to this day I have not practiced my degree. If only I was brave...
Coming across Jenna Sue's story, I believe God is telling me that it's never too late and that His plans for me are yet to unravel. So from now on, I will silence the voices that feed my fear of fulfilling my goals in life and let God take over the wheel. After all, He's a much better driver in taking me to the road of fulfilled dreams!
"Begin to weave and God will give you the thread~German Proverb"
(Got this from the Facebook page of co-Paulinian Bernardita Regina)
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