Aching

Mommy and me at 2 months old

"No amount of money could ever account for not having a mother."~ Drop Dead Diva


Was watching a marathon of one of my favorite series Drop Dead Diva and saw the episode where Deb reincarnated as Jane faces her mom who's filing for a divorce from her dad and I found myself crying, with that ache in my heart feeling like becoming fresh again. 

I miss my Mom. I've missed her every single day from the day she passed away a day after 9-11 in 2001. A few years ago in a Facebook application where you're asked to reveal 25 things people don't know about you, I listed there that I cried everyday for my Mom for 5 straight years. A lot of people got surprised of that revelation, especially to my own family. No one close to me knew how deeply I was still mourning for my Mom even after so many years. 


One day I was hearing mass and the priest said in his Homily that mourning is normal but mourning for more than a year is an insult to God because it signifies lack of faith. I felt guilty. Now I wasn't only hurting because of my grief, I was hurting doubly because I never even realized my faith was in crisis!



But how do you get over losing the one person who made everything alright? Someone who sacrificed everything for you and yet never complained? One who loved you unconditionally in the truest, most genuine sense of the word? Today, as I was watching that episode, it suddenly dawned on me. Aching this much over someone you truly love and someone who loved you as much or possibly more could not be wrong. I mean isn't that the way God ached for us? So much so that He gave up His only Son? And isn't that the way we should long for Jesus in our life? I learned from the Makati Feast that we should long for Christ like we thirst for water or gasp for air. 


So all this aching and mourning could not be wrong if it is meant to always remember how the person we long and hurt for once cherished and cared for us; if every tear reminds us that we were and are utterly loved. Besides, I don't mind the tears because of The Father's promise: 

"When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth."

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From Supermodel to Role Model

You've Got Kathy Ireland on Becoming a CEO

Was checking out my Twitter account and saw a very interesting tweet:

InStyle ‏ @InStyle
See @Joan_Rivers' closet, @VictoriaBeckham's baby tweet,@kathyireland's empire & more. ow.ly/9fG2q

It's unbelievable how Kathy Ireland rose to stardom as one of Sports Illustrated's most famous cover model back in the 80s and is now a CEO to a multi-million worldwide brand name.


I love it when she said these inspirational words:

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Whatever material thing you've got to give up to live your dream; it's not a sacrifice, it's a bold investment.

Powerful and compelling words from someone who started her empire at the kitchen table, making a pair of children's socks!

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You Will Never Lose Your Way

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This week was probably one of my worst.

Thought that the year had started out really great: signed up as a Care Group head apprentice, got into a new hobby that could become a new side business, got 2 new employers from oDesk, attended the first Light of Jesus Leadership Assembly and got paid big time by Google Adsense and that was only in January. The highlight of it all was probably when I attended the webinars of Brendon Burchard. This amazing guy instantly became my hero after I saw the Experts Academy series. I realized what Brendon was talking about was what I have wanted to do all this time, something that I could give back after receiving a ton of blessings from the Lord: to share my story and be a testimony to God's love and generosity. And Brendon was offering to give an all-expense paid trip to his headquarters at Experts Academy and a free course there to anyone who would submit the most impressive and inspirational instructional video to his website.

Got so excited about the idea that I spent the next few days writing the message I wanted to put in the video, practicing my speech by recording my voice and speaking in front of Marti.  Marti liked it so much he even gave me some powerful inputs that I immediately added to what I was writing. Within a week the message I wrote seemed to be looking more like a motivational book and I even got more excited with the idea that this simple story was going to help a lot more people, especially solo parents like me. I began to have sleepless nights.

Back in the office, I felt uninspired, thinking my day job was now a hindrance to the many things I've always wanted to do. Looking back at my work life, I realized that my career was based on what people expected me to do and not what I wanted to do. By the middle of the week, I was so depressed I could hardly get up from bed. It didn't even matter my boss scolded me for the first time in 7 years because he needed me so badly at the office; I just wanted to sulk. What was really eating me up was that I wanted to pursue my passions now but it would be irresponsible for me to give up my day job when there were a ton of bills to pay and we were in danger of losing the place we were staying when my Dad said he couldn't help out anymore. I felt like a fake writing a self-help book when I couldn't even help myself. I stopped writing.

In all of these I tried to remain faithful, asking God to calm me down and grant me the gift of discernment but all I heard was silence. More sleepless nights with a lot of crying.

Sunday came and we were late for mass for 15 minutes so decided we should wait for the next one as I never liked hearing mass only halfway through. Marti and I went to the Blessed Sacrament to at least spend an hour there and hope would somehow receive the grace I was praying for. I felt the serious desperation for God that I haven't felt in a long time and that reminded me of one of the talks at the Makati Feast where it was said that our longing for God should be as desperate as our need for air.  Half an hour passed by and still nothing and I felt the tears well up. Drowning in despair, it was I who broke the silence and shouted with my heart to God that no matter what, even if I had but 1 peso in my wallet, I would continue to serve Him! And that's when I got His reply in one powerful word "SERVICE".

Wow, it felt like water was splashed across my face! I had lost my way for awhile there, going inside and nursing my ego instead of staying on track and concentrating on my initial intention of helping other people, of serving. At mass, I received  God's message in all 3 Biblical readings:

The First Reading was from Job 7: 1-4, 6-7, telling of Job's sentiments and hopelessness.

The Second Reading, taken from 1 Corinthians 9:16-19, 22-23, where St. Paul explains the rewards of preaching the Gospel.

The Gospel from Mark 1:29-39, where Jesus, after healing hundreds including Peter's mother-in-law, found time to be alone and pray and later on informs His disciples that His real purpose was to preach the Good News.

In the First Reading, I learned that all of us go through times of despair and God permits such moments in our lives so that we may gather strength and fortify our faith that even in our darkest hour, He will never abandon us.

The Second Reading made me realize that sharing my story to others of the miracles that God has done and is doing in my life is not a self-serving act but an obligation. For someone who has received salvation, it is now my obligation to testify to the All-powerful, All-merciful love of God to others who were just like me not so long ago: alone, hopeless and ashamed. As St. Paul wrote, "If I preach the Gospel, this is no reason for me to boast, for an obligation has been imposed on me, and woe to me if I do not preach it!"

And the Gospel showed that even Christ gets distractions but He never once wavered from His true mission; moreover, He always found time to pray. Reminded me of this favorite line I heard from my college Theology professor: "Fix your gaze upon Jesus and you will never lose your way."

So now I'm writing again with a renewed fervor. I will finish this book and even if only one person would be transformed in his/ her faith in Christ through my story, I would be the happiest person in the world because  I could finally say that, in the simplest of ways, I have SERVED.

To God be the greater glory!

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I Am Home

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More than a year ago, I never would have thought I would be in this place, this place where God has led me to out of the stormy desert of my life.

It's been a year since my son Marti and I joined the Makati Feast and it wasn't an easy journey, filled with growth pains and despite the miraculous turnabout that God blessed my life with through the Feast, I would still sometimes find myself asking why do I have to be there weekly. I've always had an insecurity over belonging so when I begin to feel left out in a place or event, I also start doubting my presence there. And that self-consciousness made our first few months attending the Feast a mighty struggle for me especially when I knew no one there. Marti seemed to fit right away, finding his place at the Kids' Ministry which made me more nervous sitting  alone in a room full of strangers for an hour or so.

But it's amazing how God would simply not let me be disheartened because when I seem to be in those insecure moments, I would feel His encouragement through the warmth and sincerity of the people of the Makati Feast. 

The first step was the hardest but was worth it: I decided to show up every week. In all honesty, my initial intention in coming to the Feast was based on integrity (I always, always keep my promises even if it's just made to myself) and little else. And then I met Tita Eva Relova and everything started to change. 

One night while buying "Feel God, Feel Good" t-shirts for me and Marti, Tita Eva began to talk to me and finding out I was a solo mom, she encouraged me to join the Solo Parents Caring Group. She promised to have the CG Heads contact me for the membership details. Boosted by Tita Eva's concern, I decided to say yes. 

The following week, entering the doors of the AIM Conference Center, a cool-looking dude called out my name "Millicent!" as if we've known each other for so long. It was Brother Monty Mendigoria, he was the first Feaster to add me up in Facebook and to welcome me he asked his wife Sister Yolly to give me a free CD of the Feast's worship songs. It was such a kind gesture from someone I only met on that day.

In the weeks that followed, I came to know Brother Noli Benavent in one of the icebreaker activities then Sister Faye Dondiego who was the second one to add me up in Facebook. The CG Cycle began and I met our CG Head Sister Gail Franco and later Brother Jay San Luis. Becoming a part of MasiPag (Married Individuals and  Single Parents Caring Group) and finding friends among all my CG mates has blessed me a hundredfold---this is a group where we comforted each other in our unique situation as parents and as individuals. The Sunday Feast started and I was warmly welcomed with a hug by Sister Anne Relova whom I had no idea knew me at all.

The last quarter of 2011 was the toughest time for me as a Feaster. The Lord was calling me to participate more in His Ministry and it was such a tall order at a time when I was swamped with financial and family problems. I had heard great things about the Kerygma Conference and after hesitating for a long time, I bought my ticket just 1 day before the event. Of course, I hesitated,  I was going to be alone again in a room of strangers and this time for an entire day! But still I went and turned out God was waiting to bless me more with not just the phenomenal speakers but more with the other solo parent Feasters I came to know and share stories with. 

But my most trying part of that year was at the Makati Feast Christmas party. I had looked forward to this because Marti was one of the 3 Kings in the Nativity Scene and yet on that night feelings of being left out was so overwhelming, I sulked on my chair the whole night without talking to anyone and not even partook in the buffet dinner. I began to question myself again why do I even have to show up here when I still feel alone after all that's  happened? And as I was about to leave before the program was over, a person beside me who also came alone began to talk to me. Her name was Sister Lydia, a widow (another solo parent!) and who was so concerned that I hadn't eaten at all, offered to get me food! I thanked her and politely declined but deep inside I was beaming that the Lord is not only faithful to those who are faithful to Him but also relentless in helping those who have committed to Him.

A year later, here I am: a CG Head apprentice and just signed up to serve in the Set Design Ministry. From someone who was in despair and completely clueless when I came through the doors of the AIM Conference Center for my first Makati Feast, I am now basking in the infinite grace of the Lord who had brought me to a place where my son and I found another family and feel we truly belong--- 

I AM HOME!

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Not Worth All the Work

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Friday night, I saw the guy I liked (gosh, sounding juvenile there) OK, a guy I was attracted to and I suddenly felt so insecure. The last time I felt that way was back in high school and I never thought this would haunt me again in my mid 30s. 

Tried hard to fight it with ego-boosting thoughts but instead, what came into my mind was "you're not worth all the work." Sad. But what's even sadder was I believed that. I mean, for someone single such as this guy I liked to even think of dating me, he'd have to consider my status of being a solo mom, my responsibilities, my age (especially when this guy is younger than me), my career, etc. 

The last time I seriously dated was 9 years ago and my last serious relationship was 12 years ago (Marti's Dad) and when people ask me why I'm not dating, it's like adding insult to injury so out of politeness I'd usually answer that I'm too busy with family, career and service. In the first place, although my life views have changed drastically over the years, I still believe that the "asking out" should still be a male responsibility. Second, most of the men who ask me out are either too old (as old as my Dad or even older!) or too married or worse, both! 

It's not as if I'm not open to dating. Just a few days ago, talking over the phone with my cousin Paola, I replied to her question that of course I was ready for marriage. Her comment was "you may be open to marriage but you should be open to dating first." That was quite insightful but it made me think about the blind date I went on almost 3 years ago. As I strode into the restaurant and approached the table where my blind date was, I reached out to shake  his hand with the warmest smile I could give and the first thing this guy says  to me is "Naku mukha kang mayaman (oh my you look like you're rich)" Wow, this guy hasn't even heard a word from me and he already thinks I'm too much work! OK, the guy may have self-confidence issues but the experience somehow made me think that dating, at least for blind dates, could take a backseat for the time being. 

Looking back now I realize, that's just it, I AM a lot of work. Simply because I have put a lot of work in myself. I've worked hard  on my self-confidence so much so that I hold my head up high when I say I'm a solo parent to a wonderful son. So if you're insecure, I'd be too much work. That I've learned to celebrate my curves and make peace with my physical flaws. So if you're narrow-minded, I'd be too much work. That I've reached the pinnacle of my career on my own, continue to be a voracious learner and even find time to serve the Lord in the best way I can. So if you can't handle that, I'd be too much work. 

As one of my favorite authors, Dr. M. Scott Peck says, "the antithesis of love is laziness" therefore if a man thinks that I'm not worth the work then he's not worth the love. 

One last thing, to Mr. Nice if you think I'm sorta aloof because I keep looking away when you're near and you're not going to find out why (it's because I like you, silly), then it's your loss :D

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Becoming Brave

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Suffering from dysmenorrhea and migraine, I spent the day home instead of the many social commitments I had last Saturday: St. Paul Makati's 1st Grand Reunion, St. Paul Pasig High School Grand Reunion and a night out with my Grade School batch-mates. 

It's probably the stress taking it's toll on me again. Stress from overwhelming bills, expenses, pressure from everywhere topped off with stress from my job. Don't get me wrong but I really, really love my job especially my boss and his wife who are like my parents otherwise I wouldn't have lasted for 7 years there. But the imminent management transition has gotten me nervous about my financial security or more importantly, my family's (that's me and Marti) future.

It's just that I promised myself that this would be my last job, that I would just wait til my bosses retire then I would be my own boss, going full-time with my Virtual Assistant job, expanding my handmade accessories business and finally finish the book I've been working on. Being a voracious reader of financial and business books lately had drastically changed my goals and motivations in life. I don't want to look forward to retirement and a measly monthly pension. That way of life has done nothing good to the elders in our family and I swore that I will not have the same situation when I reach their age. I know deep within my soul that I was not meant to be a mere employee but someone who can reach her maximum potential. As T. Harv Eker says in his book, "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind":

By the way, if you don't have the time to do things you want or need to do, then you're probably a modern slave.

But being a parent, especially a solo mom, it would seem a selfish act to choose to pursue one's passion when you're the only one who brings home the bacon. Problem is whenever I try to stopple the creative juices, the suppression manifests physically. So here come the occasional migraine and a bout of depression and lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, I began asking God again of the question I always ask Him in my weak moments: what else would You have me do? Yeah, despite my renewed faith, I still have flashes of self-doubt and despair. 

But it is in these moments that God would choose to answer me in the simplest of ways. While browsing my latest addiction Pinterest, I came upon this success story about a handicrafter mom. 

I started to cry. I cried because I felt the hardships and the despair Jenna Sue went through. And I cried because I realized that although I have been brave as a daughter and as a mother, I have never been brave for myself. I had to tough it out when my Mom got sick because I was the only one who could take care of her since my Dad had to work and my sister was still in medical school. Against all odds, I chose to be a solo parent knowing that I would be alone in raising my child despite the love and support of my family. I've always wanted to be a fashion designer--- it was my dream since I was 8---yet I didn't pursue it thinking that it wasn't a college degree so I took the next best thing which was interior design but I was never happy and to this day I have not practiced my degree. If only I was brave...

Coming across Jenna Sue's story, I believe God is telling me that it's never too late and that His plans for me are yet to unravel. So from now on, I will silence the voices that feed my fear of fulfilling my goals in life and let God take over the wheel. After all, He's a much better driver in taking me to the road of fulfilled dreams!

"Begin to weave and God will give you the thread~German Proverb" 

 (Got this from the Facebook page of co-Paulinian  Bernardita Regina)

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Walang Sumpa, Meron lang Himala!

At Cha and Clarence's Wedding
December 29, 2008

Last Friday, Cha and I met with Dad for a dinner date he has been asking us for over a week now.

Had a hard time convincing my sister to agree to the dinner. It was just that Cha was getting really tired with all the emotional trauma my Dad had a knack of force-feeding us which I'd like to think is unintentional. 

Our kids Marti and Asti were happy they saw their grandfather after such a long time while the 3 of us exchanged the usual niceties. The dinner went on smoothly...well until it was time for desserts. As the kids went out of the restaurant to play, Dad sat nearer to me and Cha and started to tell why he wanted to see and talk to us and he summarized it in one sentence:

"Sinumpa tayong tatlo!" (The 3 of us are cursed!)

Cha and I looked at each other and we both laughed hysterically, with me almost hitting my head on the dinner table! What Dad told us was so incredulously absurd it became hilarious!

Dad went on that he believed that the 3 of us were cursed ever since Cha and I estranged ourselves from Dad's relatives almost 2 years ago. Why estranged? Because Dad's relatives meddled with his love life---all our lives actually as they always did---and the last straw was when his nieces posted our Dad's newest baby's (whom we had no idea actually existed) pictures in Facebook to show how much more clever they were than us, ignoring common decency (which was never common to them anyway). The incident almost caused my sister's and my nephew Asti's lives---after seeing the pictures, Cha got hospitalized due to hypertension and was in ICU for almost a week, on the brink of eclampsia. And yet after all of these, my Dad chose to side with his relatives. 


And as he claimed 2 years later, the 3 of us are now cursed. Cursed, because after that incident he lost his position in Makati City Hall which he held for more than 35 years and that his daughters are now so poor and I even converted to being a "Born Again". I almost hit my head again on the dining table, laughing so hard! I asked Dad who said we were poor and he revealed that his nieces reads my blog and they read there my stories about my finances, barely making it at times (unbelievably, Cha and I have lived gloriously free of them for the past 2 years and yet they were still hooked on us! tsk, tsk, tsk...we're not even movie stars :D). Dad went on saying the things I wrote on my blog about his family was what really "cursed" us. I wish to ask the readers to judge for themselves if anything in this post at my other blog is actually jinxing my family. If I get enough comments, my Dad would probably be convinced otherwise :D Funny how my Dad's relatives claims my blog as a curse while the rest of the world---well at least on the Feast's FB groups, my friends and my Mom's relatives--- considers the stories as testimonies to faith and hope. 


First, I told my Dad to thank his nieces for me for reading my blogs because they were making me rich. Then Cha told him there is no such thing as "sumpa" or curse because God NEVER ever punishes, only BLESSES. Also, I have not converted to being a "Born Again" (Dad thought I was because I would text him that Marti and I were attending prayer meetings every Thursday) although there was nothing wrong with that except my Mom would turn in her grave! We started telling him about the Makati Feast and how the Feast changed our lives and how we found a new family there. Cha and I declared that though our finances are not yet that established and we may be struggling now, we and our families have never been so happy! Why? Because we both learned that no matter how big our problems were, our GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER! We have renewed our relationship with God and have seen Him as He really is: a Faithful Provider and a Loving and Merciful Father. And it is in this conviction that we lead our lives with hope and determination.


Dad persisted, "sinumpa talaga tayo. Wala na ako, ako na ngayon yung wala. Nung isang buwan, mga pamangkin ko napag-birthday ang Papa nila at niregaluhan pa ng flat TV (we're really cursed. I am no one now; now I'm the one who has nothing. The other month my nieces and nephews gave a birthday party to their father and even gifted him with a flat TV)."


Cha and I started to pity him. After all these years of being an accomplished and well-respected electrical engineer, chief electrical engineer of Makati City for 35 years, elected twice as President of the Institute of Integrated Electrical Engineers-NCR, electrical engineer contractor of Jollibee's first 50 stores, here was my Dad looking up to his nieces and nephews, some of whom he sent to school, who recently got jobs and whose father was just one of his employees in his contractor business. Dad never even realized that while he was looking up to these people, he was pitying his convinced-to-be-cursed daughters one of whom is a respected doctor in her field, married to a lawyer and the other an executive secretary-infopreneur-virtual assistant multitasker raising a son on her own. 


"Problema sa iyo Daddy, hindi mo kilala mga anak mo.  (problem with you Daddy, you don't know you're own daughters)" And in one sentence, Cha hit the mark. Couldn't believe that after all the hurts and betrayal my Dad's relatives gave us and our Mom, they had one victim left: our Dad. They couldn't get to us so they got to our Dad, now convincing him that the misfortunes in his life was caused by his daughters' alienating his relatives. If you had dementors or even emotional vampires for relatives, wouldn't you run as far away as you can, too? We told our Dad that we have forgiven his relatives but for him to ask us to reconcile with them is like asking God to reconcile with Lucifer. Okay, not in those words but we told him it was impossible. Cha advised him to remove himself from the influence of his relatives, the same way we did even if only for a brief time, to improve his outlook in life especially now that he was raising a new family. He has to stop listening to his relatives convincing him that we will never accept his new family (dementors, remember?). We both reassured Dad that we do acknowledge his new wife and child but we need time to adjust; soon we would be able embrace them into our hearts  as after all they are a part of him whom we will always love. 


I gave the final advice: "Dad, patawarin mo na ang sarili mo. Matagal ka na pinatawad nang Diyos at matagal ka na pinatawad ni Mommy. Kalimutan mo na nakaraan at mag-umpisa ka ulit lalo na may bago kang pamilya (Dad, forgive yourself. The Lord has forgiven you a long time ago and so did Mom. Forget the past and start anew especially now you have a new family). And in unison, Cha and I declared to our Dad:


"WALANG SUMPA!"


Mom would have been so proud of all of us, I believe she is. We hugged and kissed each other and parted ways all filled with new hope and greater love for each other. It seemed like a miracle so with that I'm tweaking one of the most famous movie lines in Philippine cinema by Ms. Nora Aunor:


"WALANG SUMPA, MERON LANG HIMALA!" (There's no such thing as a curse, only miracles!)

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