What Do You Call The Pain Caused By Someone Who Is Yet To Be?

It's a pain a few, or probably no one, would understand.

People often cry over the loss of someone--- may it be due to a broken relationship or through death--- a pain that is easily explained and hopefully understood. But how can you put into words the pain caused by the loss of someone who is yet to be?

Lately I've been feeling discontented. At first, I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong. Just recently, my boyfriend and I attended a talk on happiness at the Brahma Kumaris center. There was an exercise of some sort, 10 questions to answer and the results will show how happy you are at this point in your life. The speaker said that scores of 30 and below meant one was not that happy yet and that the ensuing talk was just what he/ she needed. Then he said anyone with a score of 30 and above may leave now as they were already very happy. It was a joke of course but I still put my hand over my score of 35.

A few days later the discontentment began to gnaw at me until it became a knot in my chest that seemed familiar. Then it hit me: it wasn't discontent; it was the pain of loss. But the loss of whom? The pain was familiar because the last time I felt that way was when my Mom died. But why this feeling now?

A few more days passed and found myself crying every now and then. Angelo had tried to console me, as he always did whenever I felt down, but even he got frustrated that I couldn't even explain why I was feeling this way. He kept asking what was wrong and I just continued to weep, not knowing what to say. Last night we both went home disappointed--- him, not knowing how to help and me, sadder than ever.

Now at 3am, still wide-awake and talking to God without words but just offering up my tears. I read somewhere that tears are prayers too and somehow that gave me comfort, knowing He always knew how to deal with all the drama I stir up every now and then. And it was in this same silent conversation where I realized whose loss I was mourning for... that of my 2nd child.

For those who know me, let me just clarify that I did not get pregnant and miscarry without telling anyone. My 2nd child is the one I have been wishing for ever since I first saw Marti smile up at me from the delivery room. I had Marti when I was 24. 17 years later, my 2nd child is still a dream--- one that is slowly fading away as I approach menopause.

Conflicting advices from friends and family only add up to the grief:

"Have a child now; never mind that it's out of wedlock. You did it the first time."

"You're too old. You might just end up with an abnormal kid."

"What if you die and end up leaving a kid for Marti to take care of? That's so unfair to Marti."

"You have to wait until Angelo gets an annulment so you guys can get married then have a child. Don't make the same mistake you did before."

First of all, I still believe in marriage.

2nd, no matter what kind of child God blesses me with, I will love him or her with the same mighty love I give Marti every day.

3rd, straight from the mouth of Marti, "Mom, I will love and take care of my brother and/ or sister ‘til the day I die simply because they are my siblings."

4^th, my being a single mother was a choice and was and will never be a mistake.

Last and the most important of all, I love Angelo. On the day I was about to decide whether or not to go in a relationship with him, I was at the Blessed Sacrament having another silent conversation with God and I will never forget what His answer was:

"You decide and I will see you through it."

So every day I choose to love Angelo, despite the obstacles we face and the plans and dreams we have yet to fulfill and that includes our child, my 2nd child. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I am so blessed to be loved by someone so kind and generous and who has given me so much hope.

So now somehow the pain has calmed down into a longing. Perhaps the pain was there to make me realize there is so much to be grateful for now instead of wallowing in something that is yet to be. After all, it is God--- the Restorer of Lost Time--- who promised that He will see me through it all.

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The Filipino Is STILL Worth Dying For

I saw this meme yesterday in Facebook and it kept me up til the sun started to shine out my window:

During one of our daily lunch conversations, my son told me that the politician pictured last above will just continue to pay up lawyers, the courts, the voters.


"He has been in power for more than 30 years for goodness sake!" Marti exclaimed. "Mom, he will just continue buying his way until he occupies the highest position in the land!"


"But until when, Marts?," I replied. "Will he have enough money to buy the ballot of every single voting Filipino? This person will eventually run out of money, after paying up everybody so he can get away with his crime!" Yeah, I truly believed that because our God is the God of Justice. My son just shrugged his shoulders.


You know what, I started to panic after that conversation. I saw in Marti's eyes and heard in his voice the indifference that afflicted our generation after Edsa 1. The same indifference which allowed the uninformed Filipino to elect a President who won by popularity as an actor but convicted later as a plunderer, put back in power the legacy of a dictator who plunged our country into poverty and oppression and, God forbid, to vote for a politician 10x worse than the two previous ones put together, as the next most powerful man in the land.


No, I have to do something about this. For my son and my future children and my future grandchildren. I will squash that indifference from the very soul of my son so no trace of it would be passed on to his children and to his children's children!

First of all, I want my son to  believe that Filipinos are not stupid, they are not just well informed. If you live in the far regions of the peninsula, have basic education of reading and writing and with limited sources of information, is it still your fault that you voted for a politician whose face appears on the public transportation he provided to your poor barangay? This politician donated so he must be pro-poor and therefore an honorable person! Meanwhile in the capital, the same politician is being tried for graft and corruption! 

Second, I want the uninformed Filipino to know there really is hope for our country. That we have the power to choose abundance over poverty. That the power to be free from oppression is in our hands and not on the government and certainly not on a greedy politician who thinks he can buy your vote with a second hand public transportation, a refuse from Makati City's coffers, transformed into a so-called donation plastered with his face. That was his agenda 4 years ago when he started "donating" the disposed office furniture, public vehicles and office computers with stickers of his face on them to the far provinces. Yes, he started his presidential campaign many years ago, using our city's money and resources. I ought to know: I was born, bred and still live in Makati with almost half of my clan working for the city government. Is this the person you want as President?

Third, That not all genuinely rich people are evil, otherwise they would not be rich as Russell Conwell said in his Acres of Diamonds:

We ought to get rich if we can by honorable and Christian methods, and these are the only methods that sweep us quickly toward the goal of riches.

I refuse to say that politician's name here not out of fear but because I refuse to give more power to him and his family. I believe the use of names has power in itself--- think of Voldemort and Sauron--- and I refuse to use that to embed more of that awful name into the consciousness of the Filipino, especially the uninformed Filipino.  That is why what I want to feed my people are the stories of real heroes: the genuinely rich like the Zobel de Ayalas and Manny Pangilinan, empowered women like Cory Aquino and Miriam Defensor-Santiago, stories of OFWs, of single parents, of struggling farmers, of Illness survivors. Stories that would enlighten each and every Filipino. Stories that give hope, that there is goodness in man, that an honest man with money and power is what we should all aspire to be. More importantly, stories that does not require books or a uniform to learn from.

And here is where I want to challenge the most influential person in our generation: Mr. Mark Zuckerberg.

To Mr. Zuckerberg:

I've been hearing from our elders that education is the greatest inheritance a parent could give to his child because it can never be taken away from him and will last him a lifetime. For some it might be, but in our country even education is something that the politicians use against us--- either by withholding it or corrupting it. So no, the greatest inheritance I will give to my son is hope. Because hope is something that even the most cunning politician cannot buy or take away from us.

So I'm asking you to join this movement I'm starting: #1Philippines

No, its not to make the Philippines the number 1 country in the world but to make the Filipinos unite as one--- One Philippines. I challenge you, Mr. Zuckerberg to help reach the goal of #1Philippines: for every Filipino of a voting age to have Internet access and a Facebook account. 

I am aware of your endeavors through internet.org but even that is only available in our country through an exclusive service provider. An endeavor which is noble but hindered by capitalism and, as usual, corrupt politics. No, my challenge for you Mr. Zuckerberg, is to help provide free basic internet access to indigent and uneducated Filipinos and introduce them to the power of social media. The corrupt lawmakers can use all their power to continue suppressing educational reforms, banking on the chance that Filipinos would remain ignorant and poor and therefore would sell anything from his ballot to his dignity. But If you provide this, the dirty politicians here will no longer have the power to continue oppressing our countrymen by their greedy schemes! 

If you help us accomplish #1Philippines, I vow to dedicate the rest of my life going to each and every remote barangay, empower my countrymen through unbiased information and help them regain their pride as a Filipino. This way there will never be an uninformed Filipino but a country knowing it's own, watching out for it's own, loving it's own. Just like a mother does to her own. 

Make the Philippines a political guinea pig for your social media platform and show the world that one country was transformed by the power of Facebook!

Mr. Zuckerberg, you have the billions, I don't. But that's not stopping me from dreaming this big.  One Filipino dreamt this big a long time ago and his death brought an end to 20 years of tyranny in our country. Like him, I'm willing to die for this dream.  Because like Ninoy Aquino, I believe until the day I leave this world that the Filipino is STILL worth dying for. Because that's how much I love my country.

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You're Fat, You're Too Sexy, You're Too... Whatever, Just Know You Should Feel Bad About Yourself!

"Taba mo na." (You're fat)

Wow. And the woman who told me this was 3x my weight! I don't mean to judge her too but just couldn't help it. Because in that moment, it didn't matter to this person who I was or what I do or what I have accomplished so far, only that I had gained weight and that amounted to total failure in life. At least in her eyes.

She reminded me a little of my Mom. Like most women, Mommy struggled with weight probably until the year she got sick.  I saw how she cleverly rebuffed the same kind of comments, more of which came from family but I knew deep inside she still got affected. If she only knew how much I was so in awe of her beauty. I would sit behind her and pretend I would be reading something or watching TV and be amazed by how carefully she would put on her make-up, choose what jewelry to wear with her beautiful clothes which were always well-coordinated. She was a very beautiful woman and that's why I learned to look beyond the vital statistics, beyond ideal weight, beyond dress sizes. I learned what true beauty is because of my Mom. 

But you know what, I wasn't only called out for being overweight. About a year ago when I went on a GM diet, I posted this photo on Facebook:

Got a lot of 'likes' and compliments and I really felt good about my self. Actually I've always liked my body, overweight or not, because I like my curves. Some women have to spend tons of money just to have my natural 'ass'ets and I was already born with them! :D

Anyway, back to the picture. When I went to my weekly meeting of single parents, you know what I got from the guys there? An earful. Yes, I was put down because I had posted what is according to them was too provocative and that I should be ashamed! Wow! One said that the reason why I had been recently getting invitation to dates was because I had posted that picture. One even claimed that a creepy guy had probably downloaded my photo and was masturbating to it. I was so dumbfounded that I was left speechless--- a first since I was the chatty one in our group.

I went home that night really feeling down and yes, ashamed. Exactly how the guys wanted me to feel. I was used to girls saying nasty things to one another that's why I have learned my Mom's rebuffing skills but hearing it from guys... I was floored. I haven't second-guessed my life in a long while, until that night. I wasn't getting dates because I was attractive, confident or at least was a good conversationalist? And, ewww, had I invited creeps into my social network because of that one goddamn picture?

I started to lose faith in the opposite sex again. I had worked really hard to trust men again, only to come to this? 

Well, at least one good man was able to redeem his lot from my blacklist and it was my son. Told Marti about what happened at the meeting and he knocked some sense into his mother. He said not to mind those guys because when they said those things, they had a different agenda. To the one who said that I was only getting dates because I had posted the picture, Marti said that the guy was actually interested in me but couldn't do anything about it so he'd rather put me down. Typical boy behavior: trying to make the girl that he likes to cry to get her attention. Lame!

As for the one who said that guys are probably doing nasty things with my picture, Marti said to stay away from him because he's probably the one who was doing that! My son made me laugh so hard! He reminded me that my page was set on 'friends only' so only my friends could see my photos. Hay, so proud that my son is not only super smart but also very supportive! I'm glad I'm raising a good man!

So my advice to women: train yourself to only listen to your inner voice and drown out the rest. It's also best to surround yourself with people who love you, will always support you and know you even better than yourself so when you start to feel down, they exactly know what to say to pick you up!

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Parents Get Hurt Too

Most of the time, our children think we are these creatures who are in their lives to meddle into their affairs constantly, dictators who merely exist to torture them into doing chores they think they shouldn't be doing and/ or credit cards without limits they can use with abandon.

I know you're thinking "may pinaghuhugutan ito! (she's talking from experience)". But admit it, as a parent haven't you stopped once (or even more!) and told yourself those very things?

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Tweet of the Week: @TheSingleWoman

Love...TRUE love...doesn't hurt, doesn't lie, doesn't leave, doesn't make you cry. #TheSW
— TheSingleWoman™ (@TheSingleWoman) January 8, 2015

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Terrifying, Strange and Beautiful

I am an extremely introspective person. 

I love that about myself. It's what made me survive puberty, heartaches, loss of family and friends, single motherhood and many other events in my life that an average person would not have withstood without an anesthetic or at least a tinge of neurosis. But perhaps what makes this trait more valuable is that it is in these occasions where I find solace through my conversations with God. So being told that thinking too much is a flaw of mine, made me start doubting my journey and of course, myself.  

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Bring Kindness Where It Is Needed

It was a bleak Christmas for me. It was supposed to be a time for family, friends, loved ones. But oftentimes, it is the people closest to us who hurt us the most. So what do you do when you are surrounded by unkindness, indifference and coldness? Do you stop being kind? Do you stop loving?

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Christmas Won't Be The Same

Saw Asti's nanny putting up the Christmas Tree at the living room yesterday. A few moments later, I found myself just blankly staring at the tree and something started to ache inside me. I just realized that I haven't been excited about Christmas for a long time... actually, ever since my Mom passed away. 

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Wisdom Wednesday Quote for the Week

Have you ever received an unsolicited advice about your parenting? I think that's one of my major pet peeves! I mean I'm not saying I'm a perfect mom and that I don't seek advice from other people especially from friends and family whose opinion I value very much. 

It's just that there are instances which could really get on your nerves when some people, thinking they mean well, would blurt out "you should do this," or "it's better if you...". What 's even worse than unsolicited parenting advice is when people forget that you're the parent and take over decision-making for your kids without your permission! 

That's why I thought of the quote above. In the end, what really matters to me is the opinion of my son. After all, he's the one I'm parenting here, and not those people who don't even understand the relationship between me and Marti. 

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A New Path

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Wow, haven't been here in awhile... almost a year! But it's only because I have been led to a new path. A path that used to be elusive but is now in view and as clear as a summer's day. A path that led to Angelo.

Yes, after 14 years I am now in a new relationship and it's with someone I least expected. You see I've known Angelo for over 25 years. He was my classmate in Grade 4 at St. Paul Makati. I couldn't even recall if we spoke during those times but after our grade school reunion in 2008, we became good friends. We only saw each other a few times since then but kept in touch through emails, text messages and social networks especially during tough times which we as single parents almost always had. I was just happy to offer advice to him and even invited him to MaSiPaG. But by 2013, our friendship unexpectedly changed into something more. And the rest, should I say, is history. 

I would like to share something I wrote at that time when I was discerning about whether or not to go into a relationship with Angelo. I hope it would somehow inspire and give hope especially to single parents who have been hurt or are still in pain. Believe that the Lord is planning something phenomenal that would turn your tears and pain to laughter and love!

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The Gardener

On my 8th day of Oprah & Deepak's 21-day Meditation Challenge, was asked to write an honest letter to myself as a reflection for the day and wanted to share here that same letter. 

As instructed in the exercises, we were asked to just write anything that came into mind fresh from the meditation and was so surprised by how inspiring and heartwarming the letter was. Believe it was the message that God has been trying to make me understand these past few weeks. And, once again, it is GRACE.

Dear Milli,

I just want you to know that it is not your fault, that you have made the perfect choice (because it is YOUR choice), that it is OK that you have not had a romantic relationship in almost a decade. You never closed yourself up to possibilities; you have always been open, understanding, loving, beautiful, passionate but it's just that the wrong men came your way and the right one has yet to find you. Do you know that God has been pruning you all this time? You were never dry or wasting away or withering. In fact, you have always been blooming but in the shade because The Gardener thought it best to take care of you, nurture you without showing you off first in the garden. You are one of those rare and delicate creatures that needed a different kind of watering, fertilizing and sheltering but you just wait and see. Your season is almost here and He would soon take you out in the garden, replant you in the rich earth and let your beauty bask in the warmth of the sun.  

You're almost ready, Milli. Hold on there and He will soon finish His work in you. And soon enough the Gardener will open the doors, invite Mr. Right into the garden to show and share with him His precious and beloved masterpiece that is you.

If you are on a journey to spiritual maturity or want to relieve stress, I encourage you to add meditation to your prayer time. It is through here that I learned to be quiet and still and listen to the Lord's voice. It is a marvelous experience to be caressed by the Love and Grace of the Lord and these moments often occur in our silence. 

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What Brand Are You?

 

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This article was previously published at the Makati Feast Glorietta Bulletin last June 16, 2013.

Disgrasiyada. Immoral. Hiwalay. Sinner.

Believe it or not, these social stigmas are still being attached to single parents today. I don’t know if it’s just plain luck but in my 13 years as a single mom, I have yet to meet someone who would scoff at me and brand me with those words.

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Running on Empty

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A few weeks back, I got a PM via Facebook from a school friend whom I haven't seen since we graduated years ago (won't say here what year to protect her identity. And my age...LOL). She asked how I was coping with the loneliness that comes from being a single mom, since she was one herself.


The first thing that came into my mind was "I was?" Well, of course she only knew of the Milli who posted usually positive, grateful and inspirational messages on my wall but not the person who lately cries herself to sleep, staring at the empty space on the other half of my bed and wondering about the basketball team that should have been my children--- a dream I've had since I was a little girl growing up with only one sibling. Of course, the trooper that I was, I shared with her how through prayer, renewal of Faith and having a support group helps a lot. I felt like a hack. 

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An Open Letter to Angelina Jolie, The Bravest Mom I Have Ever Known

Dear Angie,

I don't even know if you will ever read this letter but I'm writing it anyway, even if it's just to console the sobbing mess that I am upon reading your revelation in The New York Times about your preventative double mastectomy.

Your courageous decision touched my heart so deeply, as I felt it was made not out of vanity, rather for your children and hopefully for their children. Indeed a mother's love knows no bounds and your choice is a living testament to that. 

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Tapestry

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It has almost been 3 weeks now that I've been asked by my Dad and my Stepmom to be caretaker of their condo unit in Gramercy Residences and guardian of my 3-year old half-sister Gianna.

The experience was challenging with my sister crying almost everyday but I felt giddy, not having been trusted with such an enormous responsibility since I quit my job at the Consulate last year. I knew I could do this and was elated that my Dad even thought of me when he could have asked someone from among his dozens of relatives.

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100 Things You Ought To Know about Me

"The unexamined life is not worth living." ~ Socrates

That's probably the quote from high school that stuck with me the most. So at 38 today, I decided to go back on my life and look if I've examined my life well enough and found the journey quite liberating. 

I thought of sharing here what I found out about myself in the hopes that you'll get an idea of who I am or if you already know me, at least to understand me better. Fair warning, if you get offended by some of the facts I reveal here, I won't be sorry :)

Read on...


1. I was at my happiest when I was pregnant with Marti. 

me and my Marti

2. Kindness is always better.

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My Other Half

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Alone on the rooftop with Jon Hopkins' Cold Out There on repeat, I stare at the spiraling glow of the cigarette slowly eating its way to the filter. The never-ending, nagging question presents itself again: Why are you doing this? 

Because it makes me handle the loneliness. Somehow. 

But there's another way to handle that. 

What? I ask and there's just silence. 

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Missing My Babies

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In our usual morning routine, I would sit in the living room and work on oDesk while my nephew Asti would watch his Disney Junior shows and he's into his shows so much, you'll regret it if you so much as touch him while he's watching.

But today as he was watching his favorite Hi-Five, I caressed his back as he was coughing then he smiled at me, took my hand and held it as he continued to watch his show.

I looked at our hands and tears started to burn my eyes. I thought, how I miss my babies. Yes, babies. Because as far as I could remember, I have dreamed of having a brood of five or at least three especially when my Mom only had me and my sister.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son. He's the best thing that's ever happened in my life but I thought he'd have four siblings by now.

Maybe it's because I'll be 38 soon and realizing the 40 years I have left on this earth---if I'm lucky---seem such short a time to spend with my future children if they will ever exist.

But I still look forward to whatever God has in store for me. After all, He is the Restorer of lost time.

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Seven Hours in Bed with Christian Grey

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I vowed never, ever to read this book, being turned off by a similarly too-much-hyped one that, only because of my sister's raving reviews over it, made me read it and spent the next two weeks stuck on page 5 of the first book in its trilogy. Twilight left such a lingering bad taste in my literary mouth that I haven't read any fiction for the past 5 years. Until last night.

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